I had to remake this blog, because I accidently deleted the last one plus it was never finished.
Avoidance was my savior during the time my grandfather stayed with us. I was so brave back then. Where did that bravery go?
My grandfather would take every opportunity to get us together…alone.
“Come and help me with this.”
“Let me show you something.”
I listened. How could I refuse his multiple requests when my mother was unintentionally encouraging him, “Listen to your grandpa. Go.” His perverted routine was flawless. He would use these phrases every morning, afternoon, and night like some kind of daily meal (just writing this sentence makes me want to gag).
In the morning he would set me aside and touch me anywhere he pleased; my thigh, my breast, my butt-anywhere. In the afternoon, he would try to stain and infect my lips; sometimes those attempts were accomplished due to my fear. In the night he would try other things beside kissing. I made it impossible for him though, until one day his routine changed.
One sunny morning he decided to sneak in my bedroom. My brothers, sister, and myself slept in the same, small room. We had a queen size and full size bed standing next to each other; we didn’t have much, but we managed.
I felt a small tug from my leg. I didn’t pay too much attention and pulled my leg back under my covers. I heard a faint, husk whisper, “Wake up.” I slowly opened my eyes and glanced over my right shoulder, and I saw him standing there. His pants, pulled down, below his penis. “Why?” My inner voice questioned. I quickly glanced towards my siblings. They were fast asleep. The air around me became poisonous and my body froze.
I hated when my body was unable to move; I felt vulnerable, weak, and breakable. I could only focus on his grin. I wish I could erase it from my memory, even until this day.
He grinned and began to pull my leg towards him, “Let me stick it in.” I could only feel the sheets running away from my body; my legs getting closer and spreading.
“Scream like last time. Scream. Scream. Don’t let him.” My inner voice begged, but my voice was silent.
His grin was all I could focus on. How could someone smile like that while doing something so disgusting to a child?
I glanced down at his penis and I could feel myself choking. I took a deep breath and called one of my siblings by their name (the lack of name is due to my lack of memory) while shoving his or her back. My grandfather quickly pulled up his pants, let go of my legs, and ran out the room. My sibling woke up and asked in an angry tone, “What do you want?”
I released my breath, “Your taking the sheets away idiot.” My voice slightly trembled. My sibling growled and went back to sleep.
I looked towards the window, located on the other side of the room beside the queen size bed, examining the bright blue sky.
I couldn’t feel the warmth. I couldn’t feel the joy. I couldn’t feel the energy. Every time, the bright, sunny days would take something from me, and it never apologized. Every time I looked at the sun I felt a tight pain in my chest; I hated the sun; I hated bright, sunny days.
I quickly glanced away. Pulled the sheets over my head like many times before. And like many times before, I found comfort in my abyss.
** This part of the story took a while for me to finish, because every time I wrote a paragraph I had to step back and take a breather. This memory consists of images that are difficult to put into words.