I haven’t really come to terms with the term “social anxiety.” Usually I’ll just stick to the phrases:
“I don’t like big crowds.”
“I don’t like people.”
“I rather be a lone wolf.”
“I’m picky when it comes to friends.”
Don’t get me wrong. There is truth behind every single phrase, but I leave out the most important facts.
1. When I am within a crowd, I start panicking to the point where my palms start sweating, my vision becomes a blur, and the air arround me is restricted.
2. I rather not like people, because the judge and jury within my head decides for me that I rather hate people first because I know they will come to hate me too…eventually.
3. I rather be a lone wolf is just a other meaning for I don’t want to get to close to you or you too close to me. I am too afraid to be judged. I am too afraid to open up. Lone wolf is the equivalence of some sort of fear lurking around.
4. Truth. I am picky with my friends. I rather not waste my time with those who are a hindrance, yet I don’t even try to set foot outside my circle of solitude. So, I make my excuse that I am picky because it’s an easy and acceptable answer than admitting that you are too afraid to even try to be picky.
I’ve already come to terms with my depression, PTSD, and anxiety. The fact that I have to keep adding to my list gives me chills…
What else is wrong with me?
What else do I have to fix?
What else do I have to change?
Maybe, it’s just another part of me that I have yet to accept.
Yesterday, I discovered that.
A simple party to others became too overwhelming for me. I wanted to escape. I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t.
I had to blend in which I did. I drank a little. I laughed my way through conversations. I blended in.
Why did I feel so out of place?
I was blending in, right?
I was trying too much, I think, to the point where I just lost control on the inside.
I woke up this morning and I felt like all the energy from my body was sucked out. I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to see or feel the sunlight.
A simple party became a burden.
A simple party broke me down.
A simple party broke my balance.
To put it in simple words, that party wasn’t for me.