Social Anxiety

Standard

I haven’t really come to terms with the term “social anxiety.” Usually I’ll just stick to the phrases:

“I don’t like big crowds.”

“I don’t like people.”

“I rather be a lone wolf.”

“I’m picky when it comes to friends.”

Don’t get me wrong. There is truth behind every single phrase, but I leave out the most important facts.

1. When I am within a crowd, I start panicking to the point where my palms start sweating, my vision becomes a blur, and the air arround me is restricted.

2. I rather not like people, because the judge and jury within my head decides for me that I rather hate people first because I know they will come to hate me too…eventually.

3. I rather be a lone wolf is just a other meaning for I don’t want to get to close to you or you too close to me. I am too afraid to be judged. I am too afraid to open up. Lone wolf is the equivalence of some sort of fear lurking around.

4. Truth. I am picky with my friends. I rather not waste my time with those who are a hindrance, yet I don’t even try to set foot outside my circle of solitude. So, I make my excuse that I am picky because it’s an easy and acceptable answer than admitting that you are too afraid to even try to be picky.

Social anxiety.

I’ve already come to terms with my depression, PTSD, and anxiety. The fact that I have to keep adding to my list gives me chills…

What else is wrong with me?

What else do I have to fix?

What else do I have to change?

Maybe, it’s just another part of me that I have yet to accept.

Yesterday, I discovered that.

A simple party to others became too overwhelming for me. I wanted to escape. I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t.

I had to blend in which I did. I drank a little. I laughed my way through conversations. I blended in.

Why did I feel so out of place?

I was blending in, right?

I was trying too much, I think, to the point where I just lost control on the inside.

I woke up this morning and I felt like all the energy from my body was sucked out. I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to see or feel the sunlight.

A simple party became a burden.

A simple party broke me down.

A simple party broke my balance.

To put it in simple words, that party wasn’t for me.

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6 thoughts on “Social Anxiety

  1. Lady Lazarus

    I know how you feel. Suffice it to say, in this day and age I think a lot more people suffer from Social Anxiety then ever before. You are not alone 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lizzy

    You put your thoughts & feelings & bodily responses so well into words. Tells me I am not alone as I too have felt similar in social settings & choose to be isolated now rather than risk ending up rejected (eventually). I don’t even try to get close to others now. I am going to read all you have written on your blog & will start today with your 1st entry January 2017

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you very much! Your kindness is too much. I am so happy you were able to acquire something from my post(s). The feeling of feelng alone is dreadful. We are never alone.
      You are so kind for taking the time to read my post. I am forever grateful.

      Like

  3. I love this and can relate. I’m that awkward person at parties who never talks, cause I get a scared feeling. Social Anxiety is hard to explain to others so they can understand. But you did it well.

    Like

    • Thank you. Exactly and I am the same way. Either I am quiet or I just try to “fit” it, but that takes up more energy that just being quiet! You are right. It is hard to explain to other and it took me a while to complete that post because of that fact. I am glad I was able to help with my experience.

      Liked by 1 person

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