A Sudden Change

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A month ago I decided to prioritize myself.

I realised that I was letting myself go to the point that I was no longer happy with they way I felt. I have repeated numerous times during my time of blogging that I have always struggled with self esteem, but this time was different. My physique was not a major part of why I decided to change. Yes, I did not like the fact the my clothes were adding in size, but I was okay. I didn’t get tot he point where I was disgusted with myself, because I was learning (still learning) to love my body. The main reason is because I was letting myself go emotionally and mentally, food was (still struggling) my go to escape. If I felt any kind of way I would just grab a “bite.” If I was full after a meal, I could convince myself that I could fit another plate. I did.

I didn’t stop. I didn’t want to.

I started to realise that I was more tired than usual. My sleepless nights climbed a few more levels and five hours of sleep converted to two or three hours of sleep. Walking was a hassle; I would run out of breath in an instant. My children were mimicking me. Laziness and fatigue was contagious and I was the disease.

My gloomy days became dark days in an instant. I didn’t know how to get myself away from the dark cloud creating thunderstorms over me. I couldn’t escape.

I let myself go. I was annoyed with myself. Angry.

How and why would I allow this?

Why can’t I get up?

Why isn’t this working?

Why don’t I have any energy?

Why? Why? Why?

After days, weeks, and months of being trapped in that dark loop, I decided it was time to escape.

The next day I started my first day of excercise and eating healthier. Yeah. I was suffering alright. I wanted to grab a “bite” at midnight so bad. I literally made water and ice my best friends. Just like how I could convince myself to shove food down my throat, I used the same tactis to get my shit together and not miss a day of exercise.

I didn’t miss a day.

I cut of all foods that were tempting and easy. I even had to control myself with healthy foods. I just wanted to eat, but, once again, I used my tactics against myself.

As ridiculous as this may sound. I was in constant battles wih myself for a month. To me it was agonizing and emotional. How can food cause this much affect to a person? Why is it so hard?

A month later. Here I am. Not only have I lost 7lbs. I have regained, to put it simply, life. I am slowly working on regaining emotional and mental control and having something that is able to aid me in that is a newfound sentiment.

Today I can say I am proud of myself. I feel like my journey has taken a new route towards healing. I have taken many routes since my sexual abuse as a child and I feel like this could be a great candidate for a permanent position.

Healing is a journey. You will take many, different, paths until you are able to say, “This is the one.”

Even if this is my path, for now, it does not mean that it is obstacle free. I just wish that I get to the point where I am able to jump over those obstacles without fear and hesitation and welcome the next one.

We are strong.

We are not alone.

This is a journey.

This is my journey.

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