A Sudden Change

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A month ago I decided to prioritize myself.

I realised that I was letting myself go to the point that I was no longer happy with they way I felt. I have repeated numerous times during my time of blogging that I have always struggled with self esteem, but this time was different. My physique was not a major part of why I decided to change. Yes, I did not like the fact the my clothes were adding in size, but I was okay. I didn’t get tot he point where I was disgusted with myself, because I was learning (still learning) to love my body. The main reason is because I was letting myself go emotionally and mentally, food was (still struggling) my go to escape. If I felt any kind of way I would just grab a “bite.” If I was full after a meal, I could convince myself that I could fit another plate. I did.

I didn’t stop. I didn’t want to.

I started to realise that I was more tired than usual. My sleepless nights climbed a few more levels and five hours of sleep converted to two or three hours of sleep. Walking was a hassle; I would run out of breath in an instant. My children were mimicking me. Laziness and fatigue was contagious and I was the disease.

My gloomy days became dark days in an instant. I didn’t know how to get myself away from the dark cloud creating thunderstorms over me. I couldn’t escape.

I let myself go. I was annoyed with myself. Angry.

How and why would I allow this?

Why can’t I get up?

Why isn’t this working?

Why don’t I have any energy?

Why? Why? Why?

After days, weeks, and months of being trapped in that dark loop, I decided it was time to escape.

The next day I started my first day of excercise and eating healthier. Yeah. I was suffering alright. I wanted to grab a “bite” at midnight so bad. I literally made water and ice my best friends. Just like how I could convince myself to shove food down my throat, I used the same tactis to get my shit together and not miss a day of exercise.

I didn’t miss a day.

I cut of all foods that were tempting and easy. I even had to control myself with healthy foods. I just wanted to eat, but, once again, I used my tactics against myself.

As ridiculous as this may sound. I was in constant battles wih myself for a month. To me it was agonizing and emotional. How can food cause this much affect to a person? Why is it so hard?

A month later. Here I am. Not only have I lost 7lbs. I have regained, to put it simply, life. I am slowly working on regaining emotional and mental control and having something that is able to aid me in that is a newfound sentiment.

Today I can say I am proud of myself. I feel like my journey has taken a new route towards healing. I have taken many routes since my sexual abuse as a child and I feel like this could be a great candidate for a permanent position.

Healing is a journey. You will take many, different, paths until you are able to say, “This is the one.”

Even if this is my path, for now, it does not mean that it is obstacle free. I just wish that I get to the point where I am able to jump over those obstacles without fear and hesitation and welcome the next one.

We are strong.

We are not alone.

This is a journey.

This is my journey.

One Picture

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It took one picture of you

To make me stumble and fall from the top of my hill to the rocks in the ground

It took one picture of you to make me detest the touch of my lover; his touch resembling your desert like hands vacuuming the life out of me and leaving me dry

My lover’s soft touch has now turned to torture

It took one picture of you to make me LOATHE myself for three days; seeing my reflection in the mirror being violated by your monstrous hands

I loathed myself to the point that I wished the scars on my arms would reopen and gush out a stream of pain

At last…setting me free

It took one picture of you

To make me tremble in silence

For three days

I trembled

It took one picture of you

To break the heart of the clock

Frozen

For three days I was stuck in the same time zone

And the nightmares set on repetition

The same time

The same fucking time

It took one picture of you

To send me back to that fragile and scared little girl

Just one damn picture

That’s al it took.

A moment of Happiness

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I am a happy person

I have my ‘episodes’

I have my ‘moments’

But I am happy

Some days my happiness sends me a quick reminder that it still exist.

Today was a reminder

**

I was driving back to our house from Wal Mart and my kids were in the back seat surprisingly quiet. I turned on the radio and a song by Selena Gomez was on (which quickly falls of my scale for good music btw) and they both started singing along, makig funny faces, and laughing. I glanced at my kids from the rear view mirror and I smiled. I felt strange. I felt like I haven’t smiled in the longest time. My face felt renewed.

I turned up the volume and quietly laughed to myself.

**

I used to loathe my existence.

I used to avoid happiness.

I used to be oblivious to love.

Even now, some days I wonder if it is real, all of it.

So, Happiness sends me a reminder that I am still alive. I am worthy of being happy. I am capable of giving and receiving love.

A wake up call.

I am happy today.

My Body

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From the day I was born my beauty was forced on me

My beauty was to be shared by those around me

My beauty was never mine

From my legs to my hair, my beauty was cherished

My curvy body

My small waist

My long curls

My long lashes

My soft lips

My body was beauty

Beauty forced on me

Appearance was a priority forced on me

Why? I don’t know

By the age of seven, my body was no longer mine, instead, it was taken from the men who turned it into a sex toy

By the age if eight, my body was recycleable; passed from one to another and used up as many times they wished

By the age of nine, my body was a collage of new needs and forgotten futures

By the age of eleven, my body was introduced to new artifacts:

Full breasts and a Nice ass

During my teens, my body was unbearable

My body became a temple where I could walk in and worship all my hate to it

**

At age fourteen my body found true love, but not from me

My body received uncontidional love, but not from me

My body was foreigned to me

I only saw it as a dirty dish rag and it didn’t matter how many times I tried to wash it or change it

It was still a rag

My beauty was forced on me and used against me

My beauty introduced me to hell

Before the age of 22, I couldn’t bare to look at my body naked

I felt the filthy hands of my abusers

I heard the echoes of perverted men and prideful women

I smelled the breaths of those who forced my body on them

I felt the hundreds of eyes starring down at me

I couldn’t breathe, so I didn’t look.

At age twenty two, I remember standing naked in my bathroom. I looked at my body from head to toe and whispered You are beautiful

Not an ounce of belief, but I said it

Now, at age 24, I am laying on my bed

Shirtless

Braless

You are beautiful

This is my beauty. This is my body. This is me.

Where did it go?

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I remember the days we spend hanging out.

I remember the secrets and storied we kept to ourselves.

Where did it go?

I remember hard times and fun times.

I remember sleepovers and never ending laughters.

Where did it go?

I remember being there for each other.

Small or big…we were there.

Where did it go?

I remember us

I remember our friendship

I remember the love

Where did it go?

Adulthood.

Busy lives.

Hectic schedules.

This and that…

Yet, i’m trying too keep our connection

Why are you still so far away?

I’m trying.

All I can see now is a thread.

I’m still trying.

Where are you?

Why are you not trying too?

I think I’ll just stand here now.

I’m tired of trying.

I’m tired of this one sided friendship

Where did it go?

On Edge

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I have mentioned on a previous post of my fear of being alone and this was last year around this time around.

I would think that my anxiety and fear would have minimized by now, but I was proven wrong today. My husband found work out of state and due to economical reason, he decided to go. My mind immediately open the door to the dark room and walked in. While my husband talked, I could only shake my head or lose myself to the nothingness that was devouring me. I could not focus on his voice, I could only focus the fear that was creeping in from every inch of that dark room.

You see, I hate the fact that my husband will be away for so long and so far. Don’t get the wrong idea. I am not attached to him like a leech. We’re dependent and independent at the same time. The best way to explain it is like this:

My husband is like my protector, so when he is not around for a long time I get anxious. My anxiety reaches its peak and my thoughts ramble on. I walk to a store or any public place and I become hyper vigilant. I become untrustworthy of everyone around me. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I just can’t function.

In the back of my mind, I know this reaction and emotion is a burden to him and maybe not understandable to others. I know it is something I have to be able to take control of. Sometimes it is easier to enter that dark room than just keep the door closed. I know that I have to learn to be okay on my own, especially because I have kids. I have to be in control.

How can I when the moment I open that door I see a little girl, sitting down in the dark and hugging her knees. She is scared and alone. She wants someone to save and protect her. So I walk in and stay with her in the darkness. Stay with her in that fear.

Maybe with time I will learn and she will learn that staying in that dark room is not for the best. Maybe we will learn how to fight our fear and our anxiety and not rely on my husband’s protection.

One day we will..

But for today, I will stay on edge.

Social Anxiety

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I haven’t really come to terms with the term “social anxiety.” Usually I’ll just stick to the phrases:

“I don’t like big crowds.”

“I don’t like people.”

“I rather be a lone wolf.”

“I’m picky when it comes to friends.”

Don’t get me wrong. There is truth behind every single phrase, but I leave out the most important facts.

1. When I am within a crowd, I start panicking to the point where my palms start sweating, my vision becomes a blur, and the air arround me is restricted.

2. I rather not like people, because the judge and jury within my head decides for me that I rather hate people first because I know they will come to hate me too…eventually.

3. I rather be a lone wolf is just a other meaning for I don’t want to get to close to you or you too close to me. I am too afraid to be judged. I am too afraid to open up. Lone wolf is the equivalence of some sort of fear lurking around.

4. Truth. I am picky with my friends. I rather not waste my time with those who are a hindrance, yet I don’t even try to set foot outside my circle of solitude. So, I make my excuse that I am picky because it’s an easy and acceptable answer than admitting that you are too afraid to even try to be picky.

Social anxiety.

I’ve already come to terms with my depression, PTSD, and anxiety. The fact that I have to keep adding to my list gives me chills…

What else is wrong with me?

What else do I have to fix?

What else do I have to change?

Maybe, it’s just another part of me that I have yet to accept.

Yesterday, I discovered that.

A simple party to others became too overwhelming for me. I wanted to escape. I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t.

I had to blend in which I did. I drank a little. I laughed my way through conversations. I blended in.

Why did I feel so out of place?

I was blending in, right?

I was trying too much, I think, to the point where I just lost control on the inside.

I woke up this morning and I felt like all the energy from my body was sucked out. I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to see or feel the sunlight.

A simple party became a burden.

A simple party broke me down.

A simple party broke my balance.

To put it in simple words, that party wasn’t for me.

My Happy Place

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These past few weeks has been chaotic. My emotions took a toll on me and I really didn’t know how to pick myself up again. My thoughts were in a rampage and my body was betraying me. I couldn’t find my happy place; I was stuck in a fog and I couldn’t find a way out.

A couple days ago, I forced myself to aid my mother in law out in the garden. The first hour or so was dreadful. My body felt heavy and my mind just kept repeating, “Go back to your room.” I didn’t want to do anything. After a while, I found myself feeling at ease and smiling to myself half of the time. The sun was immediately covered by dark gray clouds. Drizzles of cold rain poked my skin and I could feel my darkness fade. For some, this weather can be gloomy and eerie, but to me it was the complete opposite. I looked up and felt cold rain on my face and my chest tighten, but not the type of pressure where you just want to hideaway under your covers, instead it was the type where your light was ready to burst out from days of unwanted incarceration.

I stood there and let the rain fall. I stood there and heard my son’s laughter. I stood there and watched my mother in law rushing to the door trying to avoid the rain. I stood there and closed my eyes and breathed.

I inhaled as much air as I could and exhaled. I repeated the procedure a couple more times.

I opened my eyes and saw my son in joy.

What a beautiful smile I thought to myself.

I walked towards him and picked him up and kissed him. I know I haven’t held him or kissed him since my episode began.

I held him close and did the same when my daughter arrived from school shortly after.

I get lost within my depression. My sight, emotions, and thoughts become thick like a fog and prevents visibility…almost all visibility. There is always a hidden escape from all the chaos. I just have to find my way to it.

I found it this time. It took me a while, but I found it.

Once again, I found my happy place.

Depression

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These past couple of weeks has been like a roller coaster ride; like a dodgeball fight and I am the target, or a football match and I’m the single player versus a whole team of negative bitches.

When I wake up and think, “This is not good.” I know is the beginning of a bad day, but I have to wake up.

I am a mother.

I am a wife.

I have to camouflage my insanity with the face of a person who is sane, but that fort can hold for so long. When my facade breaks. I break. The world is against me and I cannot let my shield down, so I fight. I fight back by shutting everyone out…almost everyone.

Like I said,

I am a mother.

So, to my kids I put on my happy mask and hide my truth away. Innocence cannot be devoured by what dwells within me.

I can put on a smile.

I can laugh.

I can be happy when I am with them.

When I am alone, my darkness creeps in.

My thoughts constantly transfer me to a dimension where my existenve is futile and I am free.

STOP! I yell.

Stop that.

Stop the thoughts.

Stop trying to block my path.

Stop it.

Thus, I continue my day in a ongoing battlefield and by the end of the day, I am exhausted.

All that is left is destruction.

All that is left are open wounds.

All the is left is the everlasting fires of my disaster.

All that is left is the missing pieces of myself

Scattered somewhere out in the field; begging to be found.

I welcome the moon to put me at ease, but my enemies wash away my sleep.

My war continues into the night.

An endless battle.

An endless fight.

To My Anxiety

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I am panicking

I am barely breathing

My vision is blurry

My memory is hazy

You knocked on my door

And I allowed you in

My body is trembling

I am pacing back and forth

I am barely breathing

I have to keep myself together

I cannot stay like this forever

Breathe

I step back and close my eyes

I bestowed myself into Nothing

Hoping that something will

Help me find my balance.

I am in a trance

Breathe

I hear my breath.

I hear the distant helicopter

I hear the birds singing

I hear the cars passing

I hear the wind howling

Breathe

I open my eyes and exhale

I can do this

Breathe

I cannot let you into my life when you please

I will not longer allow that agonizing tease

Breathe

Not today dear friend

Not today.