My mind races
All the time that has passed.
To prevent my desperation from collapsing.
Give me more time
To appreciate my small positive space
I am scared of that face
That I will make once I see how much TIME
has forsaken me.
Don’t you see that I am breaking.
I need more time to escape from
This dark entity.
I need more time to make my day
Shine and last for eternity.
One word for the struggle of PTSD; inefficient.
I was never fond being by myself, wether it was sleeping alone or being home alone, especially since I became accustomed in having my protection; my husband. I always had and have this fear that being alone means that you are exposing your vulnerability, especially since everytime I was alone i was being abused in some ways, so I tried any means possible to never be alone.
After my predators were physically away and my mother was forced to start anew, I still chose to sleep with my mother in the same bed. I refused to walk nights, even in our apartment. I was afraid. Fear was my friend; it protected me from the evil eyes hiding in the dark, but it could not protect my mind from projecting images and echoing noises; the night was scary. During the day, I was able to continue life, but I was always self aware. Every movement and every look was an attack and I had to be in self defense…all the time.
Now, that my husband is out of town for work, my anxiety keeps me up at nights. I will not lie, I am afraid. Afraid that if I close my eyes I will be exposed. I make sure everything is locked, secure, and safe.
My husband thinks I am doing well. He know i fear the dark. He knows my mind travels many paths to prevent me from knowing the sense of tranquility, but I utter the words I’m doing good. Don’t worry with a smile, so his mind can be worry free.
And I am okay…
I will be okay…
I have to be okay…