On Edge

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I have mentioned on a previous post of my fear of being alone and this was last year around this time around.

I would think that my anxiety and fear would have minimized by now, but I was proven wrong today. My husband found work out of state and due to economical reason, he decided to go. My mind immediately open the door to the dark room and walked in. While my husband talked, I could only shake my head or lose myself to the nothingness that was devouring me. I could not focus on his voice, I could only focus the fear that was creeping in from every inch of that dark room.

You see, I hate the fact that my husband will be away for so long and so far. Don’t get the wrong idea. I am not attached to him like a leech. We’re dependent and independent at the same time. The best way to explain it is like this:

My husband is like my protector, so when he is not around for a long time I get anxious. My anxiety reaches its peak and my thoughts ramble on. I walk to a store or any public place and I become hyper vigilant. I become untrustworthy of everyone around me. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I just can’t function.

In the back of my mind, I know this reaction and emotion is a burden to him and maybe not understandable to others. I know it is something I have to be able to take control of. Sometimes it is easier to enter that dark room than just keep the door closed. I know that I have to learn to be okay on my own, especially because I have kids. I have to be in control.

How can I when the moment I open that door I see a little girl, sitting down in the dark and hugging her knees. She is scared and alone. She wants someone to save and protect her. So I walk in and stay with her in the darkness. Stay with her in that fear.

Maybe with time I will learn and she will learn that staying in that dark room is not for the best. Maybe we will learn how to fight our fear and our anxiety and not rely on my husband’s protection.

One day we will..

But for today, I will stay on edge.

To My Anxiety

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I am panicking

I am barely breathing

My vision is blurry

My memory is hazy

You knocked on my door

And I allowed you in

My body is trembling

I am pacing back and forth

I am barely breathing

I have to keep myself together

I cannot stay like this forever

Breathe

I step back and close my eyes

I bestowed myself into Nothing

Hoping that something will

Help me find my balance.

I am in a trance

Breathe

I hear my breath.

I hear the distant helicopter

I hear the birds singing

I hear the cars passing

I hear the wind howling

Breathe

I open my eyes and exhale

I can do this

Breathe

I cannot let you into my life when you please

I will not longer allow that agonizing tease

Breathe

Not today dear friend

Not today.