These past few weeks has been chaotic. My emotions took a toll on me and I really didn’t know how to pick myself up again. My thoughts were in a rampage and my body was betraying me. I couldn’t find my happy place; I was stuck in a fog and I couldn’t find a way out.
A couple days ago, I forced myself to aid my mother in law out in the garden. The first hour or so was dreadful. My body felt heavy and my mind just kept repeating, “Go back to your room.” I didn’t want to do anything. After a while, I found myself feeling at ease and smiling to myself half of the time. The sun was immediately covered by dark gray clouds. Drizzles of cold rain poked my skin and I could feel my darkness fade. For some, this weather can be gloomy and eerie, but to me it was the complete opposite. I looked up and felt cold rain on my face and my chest tighten, but not the type of pressure where you just want to hideaway under your covers, instead it was the type where your light was ready to burst out from days of unwanted incarceration.
I stood there and let the rain fall. I stood there and heard my son’s laughter. I stood there and watched my mother in law rushing to the door trying to avoid the rain. I stood there and closed my eyes and breathed.
I inhaled as much air as I could and exhaled. I repeated the procedure a couple more times.
I opened my eyes and saw my son in joy.
What a beautiful smile I thought to myself.
I walked towards him and picked him up and kissed him. I know I haven’t held him or kissed him since my episode began.
I held him close and did the same when my daughter arrived from school shortly after.
I get lost within my depression. My sight, emotions, and thoughts become thick like a fog and prevents visibility…almost all visibility. There is always a hidden escape from all the chaos. I just have to find my way to it.
I found it this time. It took me a while, but I found it.
Once again, I found my happy place.